Monthly Archives: May 2012

Into The Great Wide Open

Whilst I was zipping along the thoroughfare heading toward the source of my weekly stipend, I happened to hear something that caused my mind to go ZZZZZZTTTTTT and actually hesitate in the daydream I was enjoying (involving coffee and a rather interesting cap).

I heard a song, rather old one at that, which caused my mind to flashback AND begin a thought! Imagine that!  It was like learning the hard way that paperclips and electrical outlets are NOT friends with ones fingers.  Just pointing out the odd way my mind tends to wade through the swamplands at times.  But once again, I find myself blathering on without making a point.  So here goes:

The song I heard was an old Tom Petty diddy called, “Into The Great Wide Open” I’m not certain what exactly it was that struck me about this song, other than the bug on the windscreen, but for whatever reason it stuck in my mind and began to brew like a strong pot of Army coffee. 

“Into the great wide open,

Under the skies so blue

Out in the great wide open

A rebel without a clue.”

Ponder this for a moment, if you will.  We spend so much time putting up walls that we have forgotten what it’s like to slip into the great wide open.  We’ve built prisons for ourselves. Our experiences, our mistakes, our screwups, our families, every time we’ve been hurt, we add a brick to our self-imposed prison walls.  And we’ve forgotten that there’s a whole world out there that needs us.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to escape your prison! 

The second part of your mission, is to get into that great wide open and learn that it’s not so scary! 

There’s some really nice and interesting (in a good way) people.

Categories: Koffee Klatch, Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Well Now….THAT Was Awkward!

I’ll admit it, I am distance challenged and always have been.  In some instances, it has been a good thing because people learn not to ask you for directions or how far do you need to drill into this wall before the electric renders you unable to much more than thrash about.  It can be a conundrum at times, judging distance.  I do wear glasses when I want to read (I mean ACTUALLY read something).  But even so, judging distances has never been a strong suite in my menagerie of awesomenity.

While working on a project, that required my FULL attention, I was focused like a laser beam on the project to hand, when I heard a buzzing sound close by.  It took a moment to refocus from the project and realize that one of my colleagues had stepped up behind me and was trying to relay some “very important information” to me (something about “What are you ordering for lunch?” sort of ‘important’) and, while I was attempting to refocus on her inquiry, she posed another.  This time she inquired where a particular file was located.  Without thinking (and this is the key to the bane of my existence) I turned in my chair, while my mind and eyes were still focused on the project, threw out my hand to point to the file cabinet…..

It was one of those moments that takes a second to sink in before the feeling falls upon you like the lava from Mt. Vesuvius fell upon Pompeii.  There’s really nothing you can do except either acknowledge the incident, or ignore it ever happened, but in that split second of surprise…neither seems to work.  First indication something was wrong, was my finger met some resistance when I pointed at the file cabinet across the room.  I had judged that my colleague was far enough away NOT to be in the line of trajectory.  I was, however, wrong because the second indication of a faux pas was the swift and shocked intake of breath I heard escape her lips.  The third indicator, and this was the clincher, was when I turned to see what was amiss, I found my finger had become lodged between her bosoms.

And as if this weren’t awkward enough, my boss walked by my office, did a double-take, and walked away shaking his head.  My colleague graciously took a step backwards to dislodge my finger from her and then started laughing.  I was picturing in my mind being called to HR and being thrashed one inch beyond my life expectancy, but she had been focused on lunch and said she was glad if wasn’t a french fry that had gotten placed there. 

The only thing my boss had to say was, “Real or Mammorex?”  Have no fear, the truth is safe with me.

BTW, I do NOT like ketchup on my fries!  Fries are meant to be eaten with Mustard!!

After this “poking about” I thought about a couple of other rather awkward moments:

  • Perched in the dentist’s chair getting a clean and suddenly my stomach decides to sing to the whales and porpoises, in case they’re floating about somewhere close by.
  • There was the time I stepped into an elevator and the ride down made me really need to belch… I did…..only to have the door open revealing the stunned faces of rather shocked hotel guests.
  • There was that time in High School when I was walking with a girl who I liked. We had been walking and laughing tentatively when it hit us like a Pamplona bull on a bender! One of us had stepped in dog poo!  To this day, I swear it wasn’t me, but one doesn’t put such burdens on a lady, so (sigh) that was the last time she spoke to me.  Although she and her friends did point and giggle amongst themselves for several weeks after.

Much of my life has been connecting the dots of awkward moments.  Perhaps one day, I’ll be able to say I FINALLY got it right.  Until then, I’m just a dork waiting to happen!

Categories: Koffee Klatch | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 27 Comments

Mental Moodlings

What a weekend!  While galumphing about like a cross-eyed heffalump, I made a couple of discoveries over the weekend that you may (or mayn’t) be able to identify with, and it does prove that my hypothesis regarding the mind actually having not shorted completely out, still has the ability to stagger and amaze at times.

The first of my discoveries is in regard to the purpose of toes.  For some, toes are a wonderful place to paint. While others find them useful for picking things up as a great way to impress the party guests.  While still others find toes to be a great way to keep the shoes and socks upon ones feet.  However, while I admit to being dazzled and astounded (and occasionally disgusted and disturbed) by the uses people find for their toes, I have discovered the source of the Nile with regard to these lower digits.  The true purpose for toes, according to the painful research, is to find the corners of furniture in a darkened room.  I made this bone breaking discovery after apparently (accidentally) attempting to score a goal with the corner of the coffee table.  Many hops, vile words, and clinching of teeth later, I managed to make a matching set when attempting to walk around the opposite side.  Thus leading to more volcanic vocabularic vileties and ending with my flopping on the floor like the last gasp of the caught catfish.

My second discovery, in much the same vein, involved fingers and papercuts.  Paper doesn’t seem to like fingers much.  Perhaps it’s just me, but that’s been my experience anyway.  After nearly lopping off a pointer or two with the razor sharp edge of a page and the apparent (and suddenly intense) attention of every surface in the universe due to the number of times I managed to smack the incision, dribble some stinging substance in it, and all around anguish it caused when words I thought I had long ago locked away suddenly burst forth with such vehemence that I feared for the ears of the neighbors.

My third, and thankfully final, discovery of the weekend, proved that the theorem which says “There’s no such thing as a stupid question” is completely a lie.  Well, perhaps it’s not so much the question that is inhibited as it could be the person posing said question.  Enter my friend, Pete.  I met up with some friends at a local watering hole, and Pete, seeing the bandage on my fingers, gazed straight into my eyes and, in all seriousity, posed the following inquiry: “Did you get hurt?”  It was at this moment that the split second decision moodled about my mind shrieking with hysterical (and psychotic) laughter of a maniac, or banshee, or some maniacal banshee, and I truly wanted to reach out ever so calmly, and punch Pete in the face. It is just such moments that cause me to question the validity of claim that everyone has a brain.  Perhaps ’tis true, and perhaps Pete merely shifted his into neutral (or reverse) for a moment, or perhaps Pete’s mind had decided against taking the train and opted for the rolling scooter chair.  Whatever the case may be, the ill timed inquiry was truly testing of my faltering sanity.

But enough about me, how was YOUR weekend?

Categories: Koffee Klatch, Wandering Mind | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Tidbits of Insanity

I had the opportunity to poke about, peruse if you will, just some general wandering through the darkened corners and alleyways of the rest stops along the information highway.  It’s really amazing what one can find in the dustbins amongst the rotting banana peels, half eaten sandwiches, and partially consumed coffee (with floating cigarette butts).  But here are a few tidbits I managed to save from the horde of cockroaches:

  1. Edgar Alan Poe was kicked out of West Point in 1831 after showing up for inspection stark naked.  One a side note here: This one brought to mind the clip from Full Metal Jacket “This is my rifle, This is my gun!”
  2. The longest word that can be spelled forward or backward and remain the same is: REDIVIDER
  3. The longest word that can be made using a single like of keyboard keys is: TYPEWRITER
  4. When exiting a cave, a bat will always turn left.  Whether it’s Albuquerque or not.
  5. Camels have three eyelids to protect them from the desert sands.
  6. Months where the first falls on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.
  7. All the clock in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. Even a clock that has stopped will tell the right time twice a day (unless it’s digital).
  8. Eyes are the same size since birth, but the ears and nose continue to grow. YIKES!
  9. Hitler and Napoleon had only one testicle. Which might account for their bad moods.
  10. Males enter puberty around age 10 and do not actually REACH maturity until 6 months after death.

See? I told you there was quite the smorgasbord along the highways and dirt roads of the informational thoroughfare.  Next time, perhaps, I should take a trolley.  Much less distracting.

Categories: Koffee Klatch | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

I’m Feeling SEXY!!!!

To my surprise and amazement, Good Old Girl (feel free to tramp about on her blog, pick her brain, and leave comments saying “Have you any tea to hand?”….just make sure to wipe your feet and put things back where you found them), nominated me for a Sunshine Award!  *Applause is always appreciated*

And then there are “The Rules” which I may or may not decide to adhere to, still undecided that.  I don’t like rules much.  Confining and boxy things that make all the edges fit perfectly together. 

But here they are:

The Sunshine Award rules are:

  1. Include the award logo in a post or somewhere on your blog.
  2. Answer 10 questions about yourself.
  3. Nominate 10 to 12 other fabulous bloggers.
  4. Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blog, letting them know about the award.
  5. Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

Okay, number 5, THANK YOU GOOD OLD GIRL for this prestigious nomination and prize.

Answer 10 questions about me?  Are there even 10 things about me worth mentioning? Nonetheless, rules ARE rules so here goes:

  1. What is a favorite childhood memory?
    Going to the amusement park at the beach.
  2. What is a real fear you have?
    The weird person that keeps stalking me in the mirror.
  3. How would you describe yourself?
    Village Idiot in the village of Weirdoville.
  4. What states have you lived in?
    Denial, Bliss, Being, Mind, Caffeination, Ignorance…..the list is endless.
  5. What is your style?
    I have style? When did that happen?  That would depend on what I have on my calendar.
  6. What is your favorite breakfast food?
    Shrimp and grits with scrambled eggs (no onions)
  7. What are some of your hobbies?
    People watching, thinking, beach going, breathing
  8. If you could tell people anything, what would be the most important thing to say?
    Life comes to us one breath at a time!
  9. What is one of your passions?
    Not sure I’m permitted to discuss such things here.
  10. What is the one truth you have learned?
    Life is short, quit hiding from it.

Oh yeah, I’m supposed to include the pic of the award.  Here’s where I bent the rules a touch……

And now…..the moment you’ve all been waiting for with baited breath (no comment but mints are available in the lobby), my nominees are:

  1. Colddeadheart
  2. Forgottenwife
  3. morezennow
  4. adoseof good – yes, I’m pissing you off. 😛
  5. Jeanna
  6. Troy
  7. Andrea
  8. restingawareness
  9. zenandgecki
  10. Rory
  11. LillandJill

Now go forth, prosper, and don’t trample the flowers or leave footprints in their kitchens!  And for goodness’ sake, keep the noseprints on their windows to a minimum!!!

Categories: Koffee Klatch, Wandering Mind | Tags: , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Adventures in Stoopiditude

People are, by design, pretty intelligent I do believe.  Let’s face it, were we not overly bright, we would have been extinct by now having ended up somewhere along the food chain as some beast’s snack, or pudding, or stew, or roasted bits.  The fact that we have developed such a society raises many flags which speak of a species still on the rise in the brain pan division.  We can, for the most part, form words out of sounds, we have opposable thumbs (which apparently makes us half a breath higher on the ladder than Curious George).  We boast of our achievements, write voluminous tomes detailing our exploits, dreams, fantasies (and I’ll take a bit of a mental walkabout at this juncture……..feel free to talk amongst yourselves or to yourself or raid the fridge).  We build monuments to our accomplishments, brief though they may be, and we have parades to celebrate all things humanity has to offer.  I mean, let’s face facts, no where in the animal kingdom is there a single label on any tube, can, bottle or other container warning the leopards not to stick this product up the woohaa or they may burst into flames.  Humans have to label such things, because we’re brilliant.

Another aspect of the human experience would be escalators.  Yes, these devices of transport which are supposed to take you from the floor to another floor making your mind THINK you’ve take the stairs when, in fact, your only had to step twice and wait.  I completely understand why we have escalators and why they move rather slowly (so people like me won’t think them to be an amusement ride and throw my hands in the air at the most dangerous part), however, what I cannot understand is the incredible need of humanity to clog up the escalator exit because they’ve apparently been lulled into a sleeplike state along the ride and have now to be awakened by Prince or Princess Charming. And some have found that, absent the arrival of said royals, a swift firm kick to the seat of the pants tends to get the body jumpstarted. 

For Goodness’ Sake…MOVE ON ALREADY!!!

This clogging of the doorways, aisles, and other avenues of exodus seems to have reached epidemic proportions.  Anytime a group finds itself released from the group, not only does the group attempt to exit the same door at the same time, but those who actually do step through the doorway tend to stop and congregate as if they’re lost pets awaiting pick up.  Why is that?

Have we become so advanced that we’re beginning to come full circle back to stoopitude?

Categories: Koffee Klatch, Wanderer's Wonderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 44 Comments

NO You May NOT Touch My Buttocks!

I found myself watching the people from the cafe chair where my buttocks happened to land, along with the rest of my person. I’m continually astounded, and sometimes aghast, befuddled, bewildered, surprised, repulsed, or otherwise taken to a new emotional plane, by the conversations one can hear just by sitting still.  The casual observer can sit quietly, sip coffee (or beverage of choice), pretend to read a book, magazine, newspaper, or some other informational device, and people will talk as though you weren’t there.  Truly amazing. 

In the two hours I spend on the same page of my book, I learned:

  • 3 social security numbers,
  • 4 credit card numbers (including that security code on the back,
  • 5 people were having affairs (not with each other at the same time I presume, although I have been wrong before), 
  • One passerby wasn’t really a woman by their own admission (an Adam’s Apple with 5 0’clock shadow was sort of a giveaway too)
  • the grooming habits of 13 people (REALLY more detail than I wanted to know)
  • 17 people order coffee, and then spend time pretending to sip the coffee, even though they don’t like coffee, because it’s apparently THE thing among their friends to do coffee.

But the thing I found most astonishing, almost to the point of chuckling out loud, were the herd of young people (and by young I’m guessing preteen through early 20s) wandering about in a knot trying to out “whatever” each other.  As if there was some contest whereby the winner was determined by showing their callous nonchalance more than the rest.  I have yet to figure that little scenario out. 

When we are born, we may not come with an instruction or users manual, we don’t come with a warranty card, or a tattoo that states “If lost return to 1439 Westover Blvd. Right third bell.”  But we DO come with emotions and feelings.  Watch children playing and you will see emotions being expressed openly….happy, sad, angry, hurt…..yet at some point someone (and I’m still trying to figure out who) decided that emotions were not a good thing to show.  I think I must have been out sick the day that memo was issued, because what you see on my face and hear from my mouth is me. 

On a side note, when the gaggle of gangly youth brought their pimple ridden selves back along the cafe sidewalk, what fun there would have been if I’d asked one of them for the time and upon receiving their reply shouted back: “NO you may NOT touch my buttocks!!!” And then walk away. Nothing like a shocker to break the masque of nonchalance, eh?

But why are we so geared toward pretending we don’t care?  Are we fearful of being hurt?  Well….welcome to humanity!

Categories: Koffee Klatch, Wanderer's Wonderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 39 Comments

Let’s Get Adventurous!

“The most beautiful adventures are not the ones we go to seek.”
~Robert Louis Stevenson~
There are many kinds of adventures, and I can’t speak for you, but for some reason when I see the word “adventure” I hear the theme from Indiana Jones.  Indiana Jones has had enough adventures in his lifetime that I do believe his next big adventure will be something along the lines of Indiana Jones and the Pudding of the Day.  What think you when you imagine adventure?  What would it take for you to see yourself as adventurous?
     Perchance, could it be that you might think adventure is something only for the strong of heart?  Something along the lines of climbing a cliff, jumping off of it into a thimble half full of jello, while your shorts were lit aflame?  Ah, I see the confusion…..there truly IS a fine line between “adventure” and “stupidity,” and I will admit that, being a male of the species and prone to selective bloodflow at times, I have crossed to the wrong side of that line many times.
     Sometimes we can be adventurous with our palates.  Try dining on fried hog snout on a stick and see how adventurous you feel in about an hour.  Here in Mosquitoville, we are prone to deem pretty much anything a delicacy as long as it is deep fried and there’s a stick involved in some form or fashion.  Fried twinkies, fried Snickers bars, fried jello, fried octopus, fried Adidas laces, and last year’s State Fair favorite…….fried stick of butter on a stick!  If you heat the grease, they will come salivating.
     But my question to you is……are you adventurous?  Are you willing to take a chance?  Are you willing to step out of the ordinary?  I’m not suggesting that you pop into a tiny airplane only to hurl yourself (and your lunch) out at 20,000 feet; nor am I suggesting that you take a papercup of water into the desert to see how far you can go before you discover the lost city of Aquaticus.  Are you willing, though, to walk over and say “hi” to a new co-worker? Yes, I know….GASP, SPEAK to the newbie? Are you insane?….I get it.  How about just trying something new?
     OR are you like Bilbo Baggins who said, “We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!” Some days it’s an adventure of a lifetime to open ones eyes in the morning to find you’re still breathing.  Sometimes the adventure comes in the form of a 10:00 staff meeting and you arrive in the carpark at 9:50 in search of a parking slot.  Or you’ve studied very hard for the exam, only to discover that what you studied was the section before what you’re being tested on.
     I am NOT a fan of “reality television” and certainly not anything like “Survivor” or “The Amazing Race.”  To me, if I can make it home with just as many bits as I left with, I’m a survivor.  And, why, pray tell, would anyone want to dash about the world in such a hurry without taking time to enjoy what’s right there around them?  For money? Psssshhhh! Adventures are anything out of the ordinary, anything beyond the humdrum of every day, anything that isn’t “normal” (stop looking at me that way).

Go!  Do something amazing…..or maybe amusing!

I have found adventure in flying, in world travel, in business, and even close at hand… Adventure is a state of mind – and spirit.

Jacqueline Cochran (1910 – 1980)

Categories: Koffee Klatch, Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

A Bit About Where I’m From

     I live, currently, in the “deep South” of the United States, where mosquitoes are larger than most aircraft, and where the language can, at times, vaguely resemble something that might be English, but at least it’s not quite Cajun. 
For example:
     Corn which has been ground into sand-like consistency is referred to as meeyull.  That is, until boiling water has been added along with a huge glop of butter, then the cohern meeyull instantly becomes greeyuts, which is a substitute in many homes for oatmeal.
     At almost every meal, there are a few items which will accompany every entrée.  One is a small glob of bread slathered with bud-dah.  These are not called “rolls” at any time.  These nuggets of dough are always called, in all their various forms, biskits.  Most homes will offer some sort of meat grease which has been thickened with flour called grayveh. This concoction is ladled atop the entire contents of the plate.
     Also accompanying every single mealtime in the true South will be the thick, sweet almost to the point of being chewy, heavily lemoned beverage called Ahsstee or the abbreviated form tee.  If you are desirous of something Earl Grey or Darjeeling or Oolong, one must, in this venue, specify that you are requesting HOT tea.  Brace yourself, because it will most likely arrive thick, sweet, and lemoned. Ahsstee has an alternate purpose as well.  If one were to find themselves at a meal without sore-gum or mole-assis, one can merely heat up some ahsstee and pour it over their biskits or pankayks.  Or in a pinch, one might also be able to pour it into their engine’s oil receptacle, since the fluidity and thickness are about the same.
     True genteel Suhthun laydeez, when presented with overwhelming news or when they wish to have all attention on them, for whatever reason, will suddenly get a case of tha vaypahz. This is a light-headedness which supposedly leads to fainting, this, in turn, has resulted in an entire branch of furniture called the Fainting Couch.  The remedy for tha vaypahz is to fan the victim, place a cool (not cold) damp cloth behind the neck (so the makeup is not disturbed), and set a glass of ahsstee on the table at hand (on a coaster so there won’t be a ring on the table).
     Contrary to popular belief, people who live in the South are not ALL married to their cousin/sister/aunt/mother/half-sister/2nd cousin.
     One term you will encounter whilst wandering about the South is yawl which is a tricky word, as it refers to the singular person whose family is no where within shotgun range, as well as, the singular person who happened to stroll over (and their absent family), as well as, a large group that has gathered.  When you are referred to with this word, it is always best to look about to gather the context.
     If you are new to the area, just passing through, or have been kidnapped and dropped off in the locale, you will undoubtedly be asked Yawl yaynt frum rownd cheer.  This is not exactly a question, as it is more of a statement of observation.  If this phrase is aimed at you, then prepare to be met with suspicious glances, ahsstee n biskits, and wary whisperings.
     I’ve been in the South now for several years and am still undergoing the culture shock of having been born in California only to be transplanted in the Swamp Land of ticks, mosquitoes, and chiggers.  Oh yes, chiggers are tiny bugs that burrow into your skin and make you itch terribly. They can only be cured, according to my Grandmother, with raw bacon or ham fat being applied directly to the affected area.  Raw bacon or ham fat cures just about everything, depending on who you talk to (and how far past the treeline into the woods they reside).
     This is not to say that ALL Southerners are leftovers from “Deliverance,” because there are many who are absolutely wonderful, friendly, surprisingly normal people.  Some are even normaler than me. Go figure.
Categories: Hmmmmm........, Koffee Klatch | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 36 Comments

Mental Walkabout

After four cups of Steamy this morning, none of which were able to alter the sluggishness of mind, either individually or collectively, the thought occurred to me that perhaps my mind had gone on a walkabout.  Thus, I inquired within, and discovered the cranium empty, the plants had been watered, the fish had been fed, and the note left on the fridge read:

“If you’re reading this, I’m not here. 

No worries, back soon. 



PS – the milk in the fridge is a bit whiffy, so best not to drink any.”

Fairly good indication of a mental vacation, I’d say.  But whilst my mind is flitting off to some tropical paradise, the rest of me is still seated at my desk doing……well……desk things, like reading reports, filing bits of detritus, making sure This gets put in the That bin, and all the rest of the ‘where’s my pen?’ routine.  It’s not often that my mind gets to wander off alone, but apparently today had been on the calendar for quite some time.  What’s a body to do when Elvis has left the building and the dust bunnies are having free reign of the cavern?

We all could use a break once in a while, to clear the cobby webs, and let the dogs have their run.  Yet we tend to march about, ever forward, trundling over the gardens and tromping about on the flowers, ever onward, as if the world would shut down without our daily input.  And yet, the world was still here when you awoke this morning, and the trams still ran, and the water still flowed, and the air still gets breathed…without you.  We work ourselves into a rut and then wonder why we can’t see out, then we quit trying to see out of the rut because we’ve just accepted that there’s nothing aside from the work to be seen, much less enjoyed.

I can remember the serious look on the face of my parents.  It’s as if they didn’t believe in having anything resembling fun.  Our family “vacations” seemed to revolve around my father’s work.  My parents never seemed to be able to relax.  Which partly explains their deep “need” to control everything and everyone. But that’s another story for another day.

My point is simple…..let your mind have a vacation once in a while.  “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a wealthy widow.”  Just saying.

Let Yourself Relax

Categories: Hmmmmm........, Koffee Klatch | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

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