Monthly Archives: January 2016

Depression Is Very Real and Very Painful

I wish I had the words to convey just how physically painful depression truly is.  Note that I said “is” and not “can be” because depression IS very real and very painful.

This became very real to me on August 11, 2014 with the news that the “happiest man on Earth”, Robin Williams, had committed suicide and had battled depression for most of his life.

Robin Williams

Since the age of 12, I knew something was wrong with me but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  I would feel sad for no reason.  I would go for days with no energy to do anything.  I spent most of my waking hours harboring the idea of suicide, and my dreams were dark and filled with death images. It hurt to breathe.  It felt as though I was about to implode very slowly.  The pain just wouldn’t go away.

I tried to talk with my parents about how I was feeling and their response to me was “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”  The fact was, I didn’t feel sorry for myself at all…I hated being alive!  My mind SCREAMED at me constantly. No words, just screaming!

When I was 16, I got a .38 caliber revolver from a friend with the intent of making the screaming stop.  My friend called someone to come talk to me.  That person told me “Be a MAN! REAL men don’t do this kind of crap!”  Yeah, very helpful.  So I took up drinking to dull the screams and to ease the constant pain from the slow implosion. But no matter how much I drank, the screaming was always there and so was the crushing pain.

When I was 25, I sat in the corner of a dark hotel room with a .45 and another in an endless string of bottles of vodka.  I drank most of the bottle, put the pistol in my mouth and pulled the trigger knowing there would be a split second of searing pain before the darkness took me and the the pain and screaming stopped.  Instead, all I got was *click*.  So I racked another round, put the pistol to my head and got another *click*.  Disgusted, I racked a third round, aimed it at the window and the window disappeared.  Thank goodness it was one of those old Motor Hotels in the Southwest where no one was around for miles.  Next morning, I paid for the window.

I am now, well beyond 25 years old, and I can tell you I have tried pills, knives, and car exhaust.  But I am either meant to endure more of the crushing and screams, or I really suck at trying to die.  But the pain is still very real and the screams still resound.

screams

 

Categories: Fortress of Solitude | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

I’m Just Weird That Way

Bacony Bacon

I have tried.  I have tried many times, and have failed miserably each time.  I like to eat. I’m just weird that way.  I like to eat and I’m not ashamed to say it.

The issue I have with so called “nutrition plans” is that I am a simple guy.  The plans I have seen require that you calculate more equations than a physicist trying to define string theory!

  • How many carbs did you have?
  • Were they good carbs or bad carbs?
  • How many good carbs versus bad carbs?
  • Did you exercise today?
  • How many steps did you take?
  • How fast were you stepping?
  • How much protein is in that salad?
  • Did you have cheese on that salad?
  • Thank you for posting the picture of the salad.  Is that BACON I see on your salad?
  • Did you eat it?
  • Did you eat ALL of it?
  • Did it make you feel dirty?
  • How dirty?
  • What were you wearing?

You see how these things can degrade into something other than helpful.

As I said, I am a simple guy, and I like simple food.  I eat salad.  No onions, peppers, or dressing.  I like cheeseburgers without condiments or vegetables added.  The only condiment I use with any regularity is black pepper.  I like rice, most beans, lentils, barley, beef, most pork, chicken, and some fish.  I am from the Southern United States and, yes, buttery grits, eggs and bacon with biscuits are staples.  I don’t mind oatmeal though.

The difficulty I have with changing my eating habits is everyone has a different plan and they are all “easy” (like hemorrhoids) and want me to STOP eating most of the things I like and START eating things I wouldn’t feed a pig.  Let me be very blunt: If I don’t like it, I will NOT be putting it in my mouth! End of story.

Why can’t someone come up with an eating plan that actually takes inventory of what I like to eat, and make a plan from that list?  Is that REALLY so hard?

Cookie-cutter eating plans do NOT work for me and the Energizer Bunny types who push their plans or “Eating Systems” annoy me enough to want to see them fall into a hole liked with barbed wire!

Keep it simple or shut up!

 

 

Rant over for now.

Categories: Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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