Posts Tagged With: depressed

When Life Feels Too Hard

candle light

Of late, life has felt overwhelming. There never seems to be enough time or energy to accomplish all I want, and there is never enough money to help those I want to help. The busier I get, the more I know a difference is being made, but it can be overwhelming.

You see, I am a Law Enforcement Chaplain. Yes, I have theological training and am credentialed by a religious entity to perform the rites and rituals. But, I don’t try to convert anyone or preach to anyone to become part of my way of belief.  My job is to take my training and experience (lifetime of making mistakes) to listen to Officers and their families and offer counsel (if requested).  It’s a lot more difficult to listen and NOT speak than one might think.

When I first began this life adventure, I didn’t think I could possibly make a difference. The best I could do was offer encouragement and perhaps a little different perspective. Then one night after spending an entire 12 hour shift with one of the Officers, I was walking to my car and heard the cruiser back up and get ready to pull away. But then I heard the cruiser stop for several seconds.  I turned to wave to the officer, and the officer rolled down the window, grabbed my hand and said, “Thanks for listening Padre.” And with that, the officer drove off home, leaving me standing in the dark parking lot next to my car.

When I got into my car, I sat there for a minute and just looked at the sky watching the stars flicker.  Then an image came to mind that I hadn’t considered: One can only see the stars when it’s dark.  Hmmmmm….  The more I thought about it, the more I kept remembering some of the lessons I had learned over the course of my life. A single candle doesn’t produce much light, but in the darkest place where there is no light, it’s almost blinding.

From that day, I have remembered that even though I may not understand or even see how my light may help someone else, in their darkest moments, hopefully they will remember.

Watch this video and see what I mean:

Light Up The Sky



Categories: Fortress of Solitude, Hmmmmm........, Koffee Klatch, Perspectives, Wanderer's Wonderings, Wandering Mind | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Have A Confession To Make

I have a confession to make.  It’s not exactly something I enjoy discussing, but figured if it could be of any help to even one person, it would be worth it.  I say “confession” but it’s actually more of a “soul dumping.”


Most of my life, as far back as I can remember, has been a struggle.  Not from a financial perspective, although money has always been fairly tight. But more from the perspective that I never liked who I was. I was always the smallest. I was that person that tried, but could never quite get it right. Always picked last for any team event. Painfully shy and bashful. Preferred to spend my time alone. About as athletic as a rotted stump. And about as bright as a black hole. Never quite measuring up to the standard I felt was being used.


Before this begins to sound like a pity party for myself, remember this was my perception of events.  And because of these perceptions, I often wondered why my self esteem was non-existent.

 No One

It wasn’t until I was an adult (in age) that I was actually diagnosed with Clinical Depression.  This is different from situational depression, which is what we all get in certain situations. CD is like waking up each morning wondering why you aren’t dead, pulling yourself through your day as though you have an elephant on your back, dragging yourself through your routine always wondering “What’s the point?”.  CD is physically painful, emotionally exhausting, and spiritually debilitating. True, there are chemicals that help ease some of the symptoms, but not all of them (at least not that I have found), so one must learn to cope. 


And because CD is not something people who don’t have it are reluctant to be around it, because let’s face it, the least happy person is the one who is avoided, which adds to the impact of it.  And there are those who are the gung ho, pull yourself up and kick yourself in the ass types who have NO idea how difficult it is not to drop kick yourself off of a tall bridge.


During my years of existing with CD, I have discovered a few coping skills that have kept me a survivor for lo, these many years:

  1. Write it out. Whatever is on your mind, write it. Regardless of how frightening it is or disjointed, no one will read it, so write it.  Use writing to refocus your thoughts.
  2. Find a confidant who will walk with you.  Not a cheerleader who will annoy the crap out of you with their always perky view of their sunshine filled existence. Find someone who will help you think it through.  Someone who is willing to ask you, “Okay, you feel like ending your life, how do you want to do it? Who will you leave behind? Would it REALLY be worth the effort of all the planning, acquiring the materials, etc.?”
  3. Keep breathing, even and especially when you don’t want to.
  4. CD is a condition, not who you are!
  5. There will always be those who will treat you like you’re a nobody.  They lie! You wouldn’t be here if you were a nobody.
  6. Accept that this war is a daily battle.  Each battle you survive is a victory.
  7. Finally, understand that you are NOT alone!
Categories: Hmmmmm........, Koffee Klatch, Perspectives, Wanderer's Wonderings, Wandering Mind | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Can’t See The Forest For The Trees

You’ve heard the old adage “Can’t see the forest for the trees.”  I’d like to ask a question, (yes,  I do seem to ask a lot of questions, but it’s therapeutic for me to allow the voices in my head to have Q&A time), in trying to see the trees, don’t we have a limited view of the forest?  If you look at only the trees, you won’t see the forest animals or the streams or the sheer intricacy of how they interact…in short, we miss the whole beauty of the forest when we focus on a single tree.

Having said that, let’s take a look at our lives.  We tend to focus on the minutiae and, in so doing, we miss how the beauty of the masterpiece of living.  We focus on a single nut and miss out on the wonders of the entire machine.  We are part of a creation that is incredible, wonderful, beautiful and complex.  We have a part to play in it, albeit a tiny part by relative comparison, but our part is integral to the whole.  We live and we are part!  How incredible is that?

Instead of picking out every negative, look for the positive.  Instead of beating others down, encourage them.  Instead of waiting for life to find you, jump into the deep and explore!  Yeah, I know it may sound hokey…but are you exploring or criticizing?  😉

Categories: Wanderer's Wonderings | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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