Posts Tagged With: depression

Depression Is Very Real and Very Painful

I wish I had the words to convey just how physically painful depression truly is.  Note that I said “is” and not “can be” because depression IS very real and very painful.

This became very real to me on August 11, 2014 with the news that the “happiest man on Earth”, Robin Williams, had committed suicide and had battled depression for most of his life.

Robin Williams

Since the age of 12, I knew something was wrong with me but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  I would feel sad for no reason.  I would go for days with no energy to do anything.  I spent most of my waking hours harboring the idea of suicide, and my dreams were dark and filled with death images. It hurt to breathe.  It felt as though I was about to implode very slowly.  The pain just wouldn’t go away.

I tried to talk with my parents about how I was feeling and their response to me was “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”  The fact was, I didn’t feel sorry for myself at all…I hated being alive!  My mind SCREAMED at me constantly. No words, just screaming!

When I was 16, I got a .38 caliber revolver from a friend with the intent of making the screaming stop.  My friend called someone to come talk to me.  That person told me “Be a MAN! REAL men don’t do this kind of crap!”  Yeah, very helpful.  So I took up drinking to dull the screams and to ease the constant pain from the slow implosion. But no matter how much I drank, the screaming was always there and so was the crushing pain.

When I was 25, I sat in the corner of a dark hotel room with a .45 and another in an endless string of bottles of vodka.  I drank most of the bottle, put the pistol in my mouth and pulled the trigger knowing there would be a split second of searing pain before the darkness took me and the the pain and screaming stopped.  Instead, all I got was *click*.  So I racked another round, put the pistol to my head and got another *click*.  Disgusted, I racked a third round, aimed it at the window and the window disappeared.  Thank goodness it was one of those old Motor Hotels in the Southwest where no one was around for miles.  Next morning, I paid for the window.

I am now, well beyond 25 years old, and I can tell you I have tried pills, knives, and car exhaust.  But I am either meant to endure more of the crushing and screams, or I really suck at trying to die.  But the pain is still very real and the screams still resound.



Categories: Fortress of Solitude | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

I Have A Confession To Make

I have a confession to make.  It’s not exactly something I enjoy discussing, but figured if it could be of any help to even one person, it would be worth it.  I say “confession” but it’s actually more of a “soul dumping.”


Most of my life, as far back as I can remember, has been a struggle.  Not from a financial perspective, although money has always been fairly tight. But more from the perspective that I never liked who I was. I was always the smallest. I was that person that tried, but could never quite get it right. Always picked last for any team event. Painfully shy and bashful. Preferred to spend my time alone. About as athletic as a rotted stump. And about as bright as a black hole. Never quite measuring up to the standard I felt was being used.


Before this begins to sound like a pity party for myself, remember this was my perception of events.  And because of these perceptions, I often wondered why my self esteem was non-existent.

 No One

It wasn’t until I was an adult (in age) that I was actually diagnosed with Clinical Depression.  This is different from situational depression, which is what we all get in certain situations. CD is like waking up each morning wondering why you aren’t dead, pulling yourself through your day as though you have an elephant on your back, dragging yourself through your routine always wondering “What’s the point?”.  CD is physically painful, emotionally exhausting, and spiritually debilitating. True, there are chemicals that help ease some of the symptoms, but not all of them (at least not that I have found), so one must learn to cope. 


And because CD is not something people who don’t have it are reluctant to be around it, because let’s face it, the least happy person is the one who is avoided, which adds to the impact of it.  And there are those who are the gung ho, pull yourself up and kick yourself in the ass types who have NO idea how difficult it is not to drop kick yourself off of a tall bridge.


During my years of existing with CD, I have discovered a few coping skills that have kept me a survivor for lo, these many years:

  1. Write it out. Whatever is on your mind, write it. Regardless of how frightening it is or disjointed, no one will read it, so write it.  Use writing to refocus your thoughts.
  2. Find a confidant who will walk with you.  Not a cheerleader who will annoy the crap out of you with their always perky view of their sunshine filled existence. Find someone who will help you think it through.  Someone who is willing to ask you, “Okay, you feel like ending your life, how do you want to do it? Who will you leave behind? Would it REALLY be worth the effort of all the planning, acquiring the materials, etc.?”
  3. Keep breathing, even and especially when you don’t want to.
  4. CD is a condition, not who you are!
  5. There will always be those who will treat you like you’re a nobody.  They lie! You wouldn’t be here if you were a nobody.
  6. Accept that this war is a daily battle.  Each battle you survive is a victory.
  7. Finally, understand that you are NOT alone!
Categories: Hmmmmm........, Koffee Klatch, Perspectives, Wanderer's Wonderings, Wandering Mind | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

Justice Is Blind? How About Deaf And Mute?

I’ve known for many years that I am my own worst judge.  After all, I live with me 24 hours a day, and can tell you that it’s not exactly the joy ride I was hoping for, but one does what one can with what one has to work with.  We’ve reached a cordial agreement of toleration wherein I judge my actions and words, but I don’t judge me.  Easier said than done though.

Have you ever done that? Judging yourself I mean, not the having a schizophrenic conversation with oneself?  We spend a lot of our time passing judgment on others and ourselves.  We are our own worst enemy.  And why? So we can look better to someone else?  To feel better about ourselves?  What’s the purpose?

Is it really REALLY necessary that we have to be so harsh with one another and ourselves?

We are only here for a brief time, so why not make the best of our time? Take time to encourage yourself and others.  Okay, encourage yourself inside your own mind, because doing so out loud might raise a few eyebrows and invoke the arrival for the nice people with the white jacket with wrap around sleeves.

Speak encouragement.  Not the cheesy overbaked cliches, but the truth of encouragement. So we have to ask, if justice is blind, wouldn’t it also be logical that it would be deaf and mute as well? 

Categories: Hmmmmm........ | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Can’t See The Forest For The Trees

You’ve heard the old adage “Can’t see the forest for the trees.”  I’d like to ask a question, (yes,  I do seem to ask a lot of questions, but it’s therapeutic for me to allow the voices in my head to have Q&A time), in trying to see the trees, don’t we have a limited view of the forest?  If you look at only the trees, you won’t see the forest animals or the streams or the sheer intricacy of how they interact…in short, we miss the whole beauty of the forest when we focus on a single tree.

Having said that, let’s take a look at our lives.  We tend to focus on the minutiae and, in so doing, we miss how the beauty of the masterpiece of living.  We focus on a single nut and miss out on the wonders of the entire machine.  We are part of a creation that is incredible, wonderful, beautiful and complex.  We have a part to play in it, albeit a tiny part by relative comparison, but our part is integral to the whole.  We live and we are part!  How incredible is that?

Instead of picking out every negative, look for the positive.  Instead of beating others down, encourage them.  Instead of waiting for life to find you, jump into the deep and explore!  Yeah, I know it may sound hokey…but are you exploring or criticizing?  😉

Categories: Wanderer's Wonderings | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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