Posts Tagged With: introvert

I’m THAT Guy!

I am THAT guy

I’m not handsome.  I’m not athletic. I’m not outgoing.  I’m not gregarious.  I’m not anyone who would stand out.  I’m not the person who would garner attention.  I’m not the person anyone would pay attention to.  Yeah….I’m THAT guy.  Invisible!

Yet while I may be invisible, I notice things.  I see patterns.  I hear the whisperings.  I notice the subtle.  Because I’m that guy that no one takes into account, I am also a fountain of knowledge and information.  When you dramatically tell someone how much they mean to you and then tell others what a complete idiot they are…I hear and take notice.

When you think no one sees, I’m that guy who notices.  You see, to the popular crowd, I don’t matter.  To some, I don’t even exist.  But I notice.  I listen. I make a mental note.  I see.

I know how you are.  I know what you do.  I see when you don’t want people to see.  No, I’m not a pervert…it’s because you don’t think I matter enough to care.

I notice that the melodramatic responses are lies in disguise.  I notice that you use people.  I notice that you think I’m not worth your time because I’m introverted.  I notice that I don’t “fit in” because I’m socially awkward.  I take special note when you try to intimidate me because you think I’m a push over.

I’m a LOT smarter than I appear.  I am MUCH more observant than you want me to be.  And I am NOT invisible just because you don’t think I’m worth your time.

Yeah….I’m THAT guy!

 

 

Categories: Hmmmmm........, Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

AHHHhhhhhhh…….

peaceful

There was a time when I had not a concern in the world….and then I was born.  It’s amazing the things I found to be stressful as a child.  Having to make new friends at school was absolutely terrifying for me, being an introvert.  Having to learn math and spelling and grammar and history and learning to deal with the cliques….it was stressful, to say the least, and led to many sleepless nights.

These anxieties continued throughout my school years, with the inclusion of having to learn geometry, trigonometry, calculus, the sciences, foreign languages, more clearly defined cliques.  Life had become quite the challenge.  Most days I didn’t want to even get out of bed, but if I didn’t get out of bed, I wouldn’t go to school and if I didn’t go to school, I would have to endure it all again next year with a whole new pool of people.

FINALLY, I managed to graduate high school!  The sense of freedom was incredible…until my parents gave me the choice of going to college, joining the military, or getting a job. So off to college I went.  The first year was the absolute worst, again because of being an introverted introvert.  It’s not that I didn’t like people and wasn’t sociable….I was just extremely awkward around people and even more so in social situations.  But I put on my calm face and followed Shakespeare’s “Henry V” by going “Once more into the breach”.

Throughout the bits of my life that I remember, I was seeking to be absent from the world by finding that place where could fit in and be accepted.

Fast forward through the misery that was college and the 8 years of military and a divorce and I now find myself still seeking that place where I can find peace and fit in.  While I have no clue where to find it, I do know what sort of place it is that I feel most at peace.

I like quiet.  I like the environment to be of cool climate.  I like a gentle breeze.  I would like something of a stream or other water.  In a place like this, I could find peace.  There would be no expectation of having to deal with others.

I once thought such a place truly existed.  But am now not so sure.  If it does exist, it is beyond my reach at present and the feeling out of place in this world continues.

Categories: Hmmmmm........, Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m NOT Weird! Well….Perhaps I Am. But Just A Bit!

people

I like people, generally speaking.  Some I find more tolerable than others.  Some of the more gregarious ones tend to make me feel completely exhausted, and also arouse my suspicions as to their sincerity.

You see, I am very much an Introvert! I am quiet, by nature, and prefer to observe rather than lead.  I notice….oh yes, I notice more than I say.  Didn’t think anyone saw you picking your nose during staff meeting? Yeah, I noticed.  Didn’t think anyone heard you belch into your napkin so delicately pretending to sneeze?  Yeah, I noticed that too.  Not much subtlety escapes my notice, I just don’t feel the need to voice it.

I like to sit quietly and read or write.  Whilst engaged in this pasttime, I am still quietly noticing.  I use reflective surfaces as mirrors, so I noticed you adjusting your “unmentionables”.  My ears are sensitive and hear your whispers.

No, I am not some creepy prowler.  I am just a quiet observer.  I like working by myself.  I like spending as much time being quiet as I possibly can.  Loud people who are loud just for he sake of being loud or in an effort to be “intimidating” piss me off.  Just because I am quiet does not, by any stretch, mean that I am weak or afraid.  I am calculating when I must be.

I like thinking things through.  Granted, not all of my thoughts work as imagined, but I learn from that and file it away for next time.  I am constantly learning; constantly thinking; constantly observing.  My mind wakes me up at night because it wants more input when my body wants sleep.

Because I am constantly thinking, I am also caring.  I am a wonderful listener.  I enjoy spending one-to-one time.  I do have friends, but my true friends are a very small and tight knit group.  I like to vacation to places that are off the beaten path.  I like to sing in the car (partly because I sing very badly but mainly because I feel comfortable when alone in the car).  I am perfectly comfortable sitting in silence.

I am an Introvert, not anti-social.  I may be an Introvert, but I also have feelings.

I am an Introvert!  And you cannot change that about me, so please don’t try!

Categories: Hmmmmm........, Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

So What If I Act Like A Hermit Crab?

hermit crabI like quiet!

I like not talking!

I like thinking!

I like observing!

I like reading!

I like working alone!

I like my alone time!

NO, I am NOT a leper!  NO, this is not “just a phase.” NO, I am not anti-social!  NO, I am not unhappy!  NO, crowds will NOT bring me “out of that shell”, matter of fact, crowds make me withdraw deeper into my shell.  NO, I am not avoiding you….well, perhaps I am but only if you are being loud and pushy.

Hear me very carefully…I’m an INTROVERT!  That just means I process internally (and quietly).  I have no need or desire to be gregarious.  I cringe at the thought of being expected to be the center of attention or life of the party.  In fact, MY idea of a great party is a gathering of my few closest friends (and I do NOT make friends easily), in a quiet setting.  I don’t require a horde of loud whooping Barbarians trying to yawp louder than the rest.  The friends I have are friends for life. For you see, I take friendship quite seriously.

In my youth, I was that one person everyone liked to have around because I would listen.  However, having been branded as that “Sweet Guy” or, worse, “That Nice Guy” pretty much doomed any role for me other than that of listener.  I admit that I was bitter and angry about having been shoved into that role, but time has passed and those who shoved me into that role still tend to seek me out to listen.  But the people who thought me to be that “Nice Guy” failed to understand (or take the time to inquire) that I am an Introvert and, though I am quiet and withdrawn, I have feelings.

I have come to accept my Introversion and have found my niche.  I am an observer of human interactions. Not in that Ice Cream Truck Pervy kind of way, rather I sit on the fringe of the group or party and observe how humans interact with each other.  Not much escapes my notice and I have found that humans have the same habits and interactions as Simians.

At a party for example, there is immediately a “sizing up” of the new arrivals.  The males of the group begin their puffing up and posturing, which is followed up by the exaggerated sports talk at a loud volume, which includes lots of alcohol consumption complete with belching, scratching, and the none-too-subtle “checking out” of the female attendees (And, of course, every female who is deemed desirable or attractive “wants me).  The loud sports talk includes such physical displays as pantomiming a particular sports play considered to have been outstanding. At some point the sports talk will drift into the “who’s got the coolest job” puffery.

The female attendees are not much better in their activities.  They immediately “size up” the new arrivals to judge them on their couture, make-up, hair, jewelry, and general physical appearance.  Yes, even the females judge each other by the size and perkiness of the bosoms, with such statements as: “Those CAN’T be real!” or “Someone’s bought a new set” or “That poor dear couldn’t nourish a mosquito, much less attract a REAL man.”  And, yes, though the females may hide (or think they are hiding) they scratch, pick, and adjust just like the males.

While I realize that these observations reveal stereotypes, the human works very hard trying to make other humans think they are not human.  I chuckle quietly to myself knowing that some other Introvert is most likely observing me.

But think of Introversion this way: “It is the rain that nourishes the grass, not the thunder!”  – Rumi

Categories: Hmmmmm........, Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Trampling Is Okay….But Only For Some!

tramplingWe are quite a confusing society, I am learning slowly.  It would seem, to the observer, that one person’s “rights” are more valuable than the “rights” of someone else.  Take for example, I am stopped at a traffic signal with my windows rolled up enjoying the music of my choice at a level that can only be heard by my and the air particles within my car.  Next to me pulls up a driver whose music of choice thumps hard enough that my car vibrates in rhythm and I can no longer hear myself think because her windows are down and she is quite enthusiastic about forcing everyone to listen to her music.  On the other side of me arrives a driver whose windows are up, but whose music is also loud enough to be heard and felt long before his arrival at the intersection.  The drivers on either side of me then engage in a war of music to see who can drown out the other.

Therefore, my question is this: Since when do their “right” to force their music of choice upon me outweigh my “right” to listen to my music of choice?

While I completely understand that we don’t all like the same things.  If we did, what a dull existence we would have….dressing the same, thinking the same, eating the same, living the same, talking the same….BORING!  Yet why am I, a rather quiet introvert, apparently of less value than those who are loud?

Categories: Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Special Orders Don’t Upset Us”…Oh But They DO!

Fast FoodI remember those lyrics from my youth, and would sing along with the commercial, thinking what a wonderful utopia this must be that doesn’t get upset when I place my order of a burger without condiments.  You see, I am one of THOSE people who like to actually taste my burger instead of gobs of goo and gunk passed off as condiments touching my supposed meat. But I digress.

My job is one where I must, on some occasions, grab a meal on the go. Today was one such day, so I pulled into the wonderful advance in fast food technology otherwise known as….the drive-thru.  You pull up to this little speaker, speak clearly into the speaker, pull around, pay, receive your order, and off you go to toddle on with your day.  That is how it is SUPPOSED to work. That is the concept.

Today……my utopian dream was shattered, ground into dust, and blown in my face with a lawnmower!  There were only two cars ahead of me in line. I was stoked to be so close. I rolled down my window so I might better render thoughts of encouragement to those passing before me.  And then…the speaker said, “May I take your order?” and what followed was a long pause before an elderly gentleman leaned out of the window to shout back… “WAT? YOO SAY SOMETHING?” and the voice from the passenger side…”WHAT DID THEY SAY?”

This exchange went on for several minutes before an employee stepped out of the back door and acted as the interpreter between patron and mechanical speaker.  Lots of loud questions, shouting to each other, and finally the conclusion of this part of the transaction.  Please pull ahead to pay for your meal, accept your food, and have a nice day (somewhere else please).

The line moved ahead, the employee went back inside, and I was only one car away from the speaker! The work van ahead of me slowly pulled to the speaker, as noxious clouds of toxins freely billowed from the place that once contained an exhaust pipe.  The driver leaned out, and proudly stated that he had six orders, each to be rung up separately, and each to be paid separately.

I considered parking and going inside, but when I looked in my mirror, 7 cars had already lined up behind. I had no escape. So I rolled up my window, turned off my ventilation, and honestly fumed. After another 17 minutes, all of the work vans orders had been registered, and they pulled forward.

MY TURN!!!  I was elated!  Finally, I could get a bite to eat and only be 10 minutes late to the session I was to conduct.  I rolled up, placed my single order, heard the weary voice give me the price and to please pull forward.  I enthusiastically told the speaker box “THANK YOU” and drove around the corner of the building to see the van waiting for the elderly man (who had gotten out of his car) counting out EXACT CHANGE for his order

Serenity Now

Categories: Hmmmmm........, Koffee Klatch, Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

There’s Something To Be Said For…

Introvert CoffeeI like quiet. It helps me recharge and re-energize. I am an Introvert, you see, and lots of input is overwhelming, thus causing me to seek refuge in some less eventful locale.  My job requires interaction.  I enjoy the interaction but will seek out my happy quiet between appointments. And here begins this tale…

While sitting in my happy place, which shall remain nameless at present, I was delighting in a good book just downloaded to my tablet and a cup of coffee.  The low background noises from the other side of the shop we distracting, but tolerable.  As I delved deeper into my book, my focus became sharper and the invisible walls of the introverted mind formed. I was zeroing in on my euphoric place.

It was at this moment that HE came bursting into the shoppe with three screeching children (triplets of less than 6 years of age), his cellphone glued to his ear while he carried on a loud conversation with his wife or girlfriend (he repeated used the phrases “Sweetheart” and “Love You”) during which he was:

  1. Trying to carry on his phone conversation
  2. Fussing at the children, finally giving up and letting them rampage at will
  3. Place an order because “Daddy needs a break.”
  4. Trying to wrangle his herd of munchkins by yelling the question “What do you want for a treat? A cookie? You want a cookie? What kind of cookie? Oh you want cake? What kind of cake?”

By the time the third child FINALLY decided what treat he wanted, many of the patrons had made their abrupt exit and several of those who had entered after this gaggle had made entrance, had decided on a different venue.

During this entire event, the cellphone never left his ear and the conversation never ceased.  When he received his order, Daddy further exacerbated the situation by making other demands on the cashier (may I have this cookie warmed and this one cut, not broken, into fourths, and may I have 4 ones, 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickle instead of the 5?) all the while yelling instructions to his trio and talking to “sweetheart.”

Thinking (hoping) this was merely an anomaly and this group would take their order up the road to the playground/picnic area, those of us who had been enjoying the now reminiscent quiet, dug in waiting for their exit. Such was not the case. Daddy brought his cloud of loud into the seating area, sighed heavily, flopped in a chair, and told the children to “shoosh” “quiet down” and “please let Daddy have a break.”

In was at this point when Daddy thought it would be a good idea to engage those of the remaining patrons in a loud game of 20 questions.

“Whatcha reading there Pardner?”

“Why ya’ll being so quiet? Did we scare you?”

“If you think you have enough life insurance, you are dead WRONG! (insert beginning of sales pitch here)”

By this point I, and many of the remnant, had had enough and were packing up to find solace elsewhere when Olive, a tiny grandmotherly type, snapped her book closed and turned to address the man.  She smiled warmly and said, “Young man, did you know there is a playground just a block up the road?”

Daddy’s reply astounded all of us, “Yeah, but that’s too open and loud. Can’t concentrate there.” This was followed by vain attempts to get his young charges to lower their volume below ear-piercing.

Olive tried once again to be polite, “Sir, you have very energetic and rambunctious offspring. They need a place where they can expend their energies…like the playground.”

Daddy was either completely oblivious or determined to be rude, because he informed Olive that he had every RIGHT to be in the shop and his kids had every RIGHT to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted because this is AMERICA, after all, and we are free!”

Sweet Olive, stood up, toddled over to the man, looked his square in the eyes and said, “Young man, may I have one of your business cards?” Daddy gave her his card thinking he was going to sell this sweet older lady a load of life insurance. Olive took the card, put it in her purse, and said, “My father, my husband and my two sons fought and died so you could have the freedoms you throw around so selfishly. But you see, I also have a freedom and LOTS of friends.  So I will be exercising MY right and freedom to tell everyone I know about your behavior and complete disregard for others. I will be sharing your business card with them, and we will be contacting the company to inform them of your lack of respect, and telling them we will not be purchasing any of their products or services if you are the example of their representative.”  With that, Olive toddled back gathered her belongings and left.

I wish I could say that Daddy got the hint, but sadly when I left after another half hour of trying to concentrate, he was still loud, proud, and chasing off business from what was once an introvert’s haven.

 

Categories: Hmmmmm........ | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Clone Would Plot My Demise!

cloning panda 1Clone Panda

Last week was one of those weeks where I wish I could have had a clone.  The thought of having a clone has its appeal:

  • Conversation would always be amazing and informative.
  • I could actually BE in two places at the same time
  • There would always be someone to go have coffee with.
  • Not to mention the sheer power of the sexy awesome dorkiness times TWO!
  • I’ve seen me pre-coffee, and I would know instinctively not to speak to me until fully infused.
  • The entire coffee industry would LOVE the idea.
  • I would know not to bother me while I’m thinking. And I would know that I am an introvert with misophonia, so I would know not to make loud annoying noises around me.

Then said I to myself, or was it to my clone to be, I can never remember, ah, such are the way of things I suppose:

  • I could never win an argument with myself.
  • I would be impossible to throw a surprise party for me.
  • I could never blame my mistakes on anyone….except the clone me…..who is me. Ah, crap!
  • I could never “borrow” (steal) soda money from me, because I would know I would do that and I would catch me doing it or I would try to hide it from me and because I know where I hide things, neither one of me would get any sleep.
  • I could never give me directions, because both of me are completely directionally challenged and need a GPS to find our way out of a t-shirt.
  • And then there’s the whole, “Who used all the hot water?” disruption. Of course, I know I used all the hot water, so why am I even asking me if I used all the hot water, and I really need to get out of my face about it before I punch my lights out.

Hopefully, you can see my dilemma.  Alone, I admit to being pretty amazing in a goofball sort of way. Cloned…one of us would have to go, but which one…..? (insert maniacal laugh here)

Categories: Fortress of Solitude, Hmmmmm........, Perspectives, Wanderer's Wonderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Coffee Chats With Morty…

Coffee ChatToday is one of those days where my schedule is pretty full of sessions to conduct, but they are far enough between that I have the chance to think and ponder.  This is very important for an Introvert, because quiet time to process is almost akin to breathing. But it is during these productive thought parades that I have an internal coffee chat whilst I sit quietly with my coffee.  My internal “Keeper of the Brain Flame” is named Mortimer Farnsfoxington Irakafenfeld-Smythe.  Or for those who are familiar with such an inner companion, “Morty” will do.

Morty and I have been having talks since I can remember. Not the psychotic “break-out-the-strait-jacket” type of conversations, but just trying to see a situation from as many perspectives as possible. This method of perspective seeking has been quite handy during my current occupation as a Law Enforcement Chaplain. Let’s face it, people are quite the odd critter, and some are nuttier than a bald duck on ice.

Morty and I were having a bit of lively debate a while back, partly regarding where to have lunch, and partly about a situation I was dealing with due to one of my counselees feeling they were “not good enough.”  I could empathize with this person, because for most of my life, I have been told that I, too, was not “good enough.” Painful though those times were, and still are, the debate was on.

Me: “What do you think about Jill? How would you handle it?”

Morty: “The question might be about Jill, but the reason you question is closer to home.”

Me: “I have locked that away! Right now, I must help Jill.”

Morty: “By teaching her to lock feelings away? Doesn’t sound very helpful at all.”

Me: “Okay, smart guy, how would YOU deal with Jill!”

Morty: “By facing my own demons first. It’s not a good idea for a blind monkey to lead a blind person through the minefield.”

Me: “Okay, but when that door is open, you know there’s no closing it again.”

Morty: “I do. But let me ask you something before you swing that door open wide, what qualifies you to help anyone?”

Me: “Well, I have several degrees and training and understand the way people can get stuck in these mind traps…”

Morty: ” Oh REALLY? So all that book learning and training, while impressive, helps you deal with other people’s locked doors, but not your own. Interesting!”

Me: “I can’t face mine while I’m trying to help someone else.”

Morty: “You can’t help anyone until you face what you are hiding from.”

Me: “Like what? What is so pressing that I have to face it right now?”

Morty (imitating every voice who has said this to me): “You just aren’t good enough.”

Immediately, my mind recalled the baseball coach who made me play “bench warmer” for three seasons because, no matter how hard I tried and practiced, I just wasn’t good enough.  I remembered the teachers who told me math was not ever going to be something I would be “good enough” to grasp.  I remembered my own parents reminding me that I was the “Number 2 son” and all the times I never was “good enough” to equal my brother’s achievements.  I remembered all the times I had tried as hard as I could, offered all that I had, and was still labeled as “not good enough.”

The door had been opened, and I sat in my car in the far corner of the parking lot, and took punch after brutal punch again for all those times of not being “good enough.” 

Finally, Morty said: “Okay, maybe you weren’t good enough then, but now you understand what it is like to feel not good enough, and you can help.”

Me: “HOW? I feel lower than the bottom of an outhouse pit.”

Morty: “Now that you know how it feels. Why were YOU called by Jill to help?”

Me: “Because I have spoken with her several times, we have developed a rapport, we have mutual respect…”

Morty: “Nope. Here me loud and clear…Jill contacted you because she knows you are good enough to understand and good enough to offer her perspective that can help.”

Me: “Wow, you are pretty insightful to be imaginary.”

Morty: “Yeah, someone has to be, you’d be nuts without me.”

The point that I got from this entire exchange, that was heard by NO ONE, is that we are each here for a reason and a purpose. For that reason and purpose, we ARE good enough! Might take us a long time to reach that point and know why we are here, but at that point, we will be more than merely “good enough.”

Categories: Hmmmmm........, Koffee Klatch, Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

I Was Turned Into A Newt…But I Got Better

Good afternoon.  I realize it’s been a while since last I let loose the gerbils of my mind for some fresh air, so whilst they are having a romp about, you are stuck with me.

 Gerbils on a Bender

When you stop laughing and start breathing, we can continue…..

 

Here’s a gasper for you, a realization that slapped me awake faster than my morning coffee: I’m not perfect!  Give that a moment to sink in and the screaming of disbelief to subside.

 

It’s true though. I am in no way perfect, or invincible, or “good enough” by any standard.  But guess what? I don’t care!  I’m not here to impress anyone, smug though that may sound, it is, nonetheless, the truth.  I am rather an introvert, not given much in the way of “chatting” or small talk. As a matter of fact, I am a contemplative by nature, preferring to ponder and consider and observe.  That moment when you pick your underwear out of your butt and thought no one saw, you were seen by a contemplative.  I’m the person in the car next to you cringing while you attempt to sing the high part on Bohemian Rhapsody (and let you get well ahead of me in traffic so I no longer have to hear it).

 

But for most of my life, I dealt with Atelophobia.  I believe most of us have to some degree, and many still face it every day.  Atelophobia, for those who haven’t looked it up by now, is the fear of being “imperfect or not good enough.”  In a world that demands perfection, it’s difficult not to have this phobia. Thank goodness for airbrushing photos, photoshop, masks, and darkness (those who have photos of me are thankful for these).

 

But here’s the part I like best: I no longer care.  I have FINALLY reached the point in life where I no longer give a rat’s dinkle if I “measure up” or have reached “this tall so I can ride this ride.” Why? Because it is much easier to be who I am than pretend to be what someone else expects of me. 

 

I sing badly, so I sing where no one can hear me (i.e. in the shower where the acoustics are fabulous).  I dance like a one legged frog on a hot pavement, so what? If that bothers you, don’t watch me.  I’m not a good conversationalist until we get to know each other, so feel free to inquire and let’s get to know each other.

 I Am SEXY

When you look in the mirror, do you see someone trying to be what others expect you to be or do you see the wonderful gift that is YOU? So….Am I “good enough”? No! I am so much more than merely “good enough,” I am ME and I enjoy it!

Categories: Fortress of Solitude, Hmmmmm........, Koffee Klatch, Perspectives, Wanderer's Wonderings, Wandering Mind | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: