There was a time when I had not a concern in the world….and then I was born. It’s amazing the things I found to be stressful as a child. Having to make new friends at school was absolutely terrifying for me, being an introvert. Having to learn math and spelling and grammar and history and learning to deal with the cliques….it was stressful, to say the least, and led to many sleepless nights.
These anxieties continued throughout my school years, with the inclusion of having to learn geometry, trigonometry, calculus, the sciences, foreign languages, more clearly defined cliques. Life had become quite the challenge. Most days I didn’t want to even get out of bed, but if I didn’t get out of bed, I wouldn’t go to school and if I didn’t go to school, I would have to endure it all again next year with a whole new pool of people.
FINALLY, I managed to graduate high school! The sense of freedom was incredible…until my parents gave me the choice of going to college, joining the military, or getting a job. So off to college I went. The first year was the absolute worst, again because of being an introverted introvert. It’s not that I didn’t like people and wasn’t sociable….I was just extremely awkward around people and even more so in social situations. But I put on my calm face and followed Shakespeare’s “Henry V” by going “Once more into the breach”.
Throughout the bits of my life that I remember, I was seeking to be absent from the world by finding that place where could fit in and be accepted.
Fast forward through the misery that was college and the 8 years of military and a divorce and I now find myself still seeking that place where I can find peace and fit in. While I have no clue where to find it, I do know what sort of place it is that I feel most at peace.
I like quiet. I like the environment to be of cool climate. I like a gentle breeze. I would like something of a stream or other water. In a place like this, I could find peace. There would be no expectation of having to deal with others.
I once thought such a place truly existed. But am now not so sure. If it does exist, it is beyond my reach at present and the feeling out of place in this world continues.