Posts Tagged With: pain

Depression Is Very Real and Very Painful

I wish I had the words to convey just how physically painful depression truly is.  Note that I said “is” and not “can be” because depression IS very real and very painful.

This became very real to me on August 11, 2014 with the news that the “happiest man on Earth”, Robin Williams, had committed suicide and had battled depression for most of his life.

Robin Williams

Since the age of 12, I knew something was wrong with me but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  I would feel sad for no reason.  I would go for days with no energy to do anything.  I spent most of my waking hours harboring the idea of suicide, and my dreams were dark and filled with death images. It hurt to breathe.  It felt as though I was about to implode very slowly.  The pain just wouldn’t go away.

I tried to talk with my parents about how I was feeling and their response to me was “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”  The fact was, I didn’t feel sorry for myself at all…I hated being alive!  My mind SCREAMED at me constantly. No words, just screaming!

When I was 16, I got a .38 caliber revolver from a friend with the intent of making the screaming stop.  My friend called someone to come talk to me.  That person told me “Be a MAN! REAL men don’t do this kind of crap!”  Yeah, very helpful.  So I took up drinking to dull the screams and to ease the constant pain from the slow implosion. But no matter how much I drank, the screaming was always there and so was the crushing pain.

When I was 25, I sat in the corner of a dark hotel room with a .45 and another in an endless string of bottles of vodka.  I drank most of the bottle, put the pistol in my mouth and pulled the trigger knowing there would be a split second of searing pain before the darkness took me and the the pain and screaming stopped.  Instead, all I got was *click*.  So I racked another round, put the pistol to my head and got another *click*.  Disgusted, I racked a third round, aimed it at the window and the window disappeared.  Thank goodness it was one of those old Motor Hotels in the Southwest where no one was around for miles.  Next morning, I paid for the window.

I am now, well beyond 25 years old, and I can tell you I have tried pills, knives, and car exhaust.  But I am either meant to endure more of the crushing and screams, or I really suck at trying to die.  But the pain is still very real and the screams still resound.



Categories: Fortress of Solitude | Tags: , , | Leave a comment


Storms Are Inevitable

You hear the gentle rumble.

You see the wind begins to blow a bit harder.

Then the rains begin.

The sun hides behind the darkening clouds.

The wind sends the branches flailing and whipping about. 

The thunder booms

The lightning slashes the sky like a crooked rapier, piercing the darkness without effort.

Soon the winds are howling like ravenous wolves

Tearing at whatever they can find

Shredding all in their path.

Isn’t this how we feel when our own storms come tromping into our lives?  Have you ever asked “Why?”?   Have you ever felt more like you were a leaf in a storm….helpless and floundering at the whim of the winds?

Here’s the thing about storms, and I speak from a lifetime of experience with doing things wrong.  Storms come.  That’s inevitable and may not sound like fun, because they’re not fun, but they come anyway like it or not.  Storms don’t care if you’re ready for them or not, they’re coming anyway.  But here’s the good thing about storms…..they always pass.  Might take some time, and, true, there might be some damage, but they WILL pass.

Sometimes we feel like it’s easier just to be at the mercy of the winds and let them whip us about as they will.  But hang on and you’ll find out a lot about yourself.  By hanging on, you will be pulled and stretched and maybe even battered a bit, but you’ll come out stronger!

I don’t know how true it is, but it’s still a good story.

The story goes that Admiral Horatio Nelson, in preparing to engage Napoleon’s fleet, ordered that all of his ships of the line were to be built exclusively with the trees from the EDGE of the forests. This was because they had survived the storms and were much stronger than the trees in the middle of the forest.

It’s not easy being a Rider on the Storm.  But nothing worthwhile IS easy.


Categories: Wandering Mind | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Creative A Bit Of Chaos

Each Day Is New!

Have you ever wanted to create a little chaos?  And did you?

Did you know you can create chaos without getting arrested?

You will probably get some pretty odd looks, but it’s perfectly legal and safe!

So here is how you Create some Chaos in your world……

Are you ready?

Sure?  Go get a snack.  We won’t start without you.

Do you need to feed the tarantula?  The snake? The dog? Cats are on their own.


In order to Create some Chaos…….change how you think.  Simple, isn’t it?

Think about it, every single day of your life is new!  A brand new day every single day.  Instead of trudging about as if you were attempting to pull the Titanic off the ocean floor, make sure to enjoy the gift of today.  It’s the only today you get before it becomes yesterday.  And….since you can’t change yesterday…make the most of today!

We expend far too much of ourselves trying to either cling to the past, fight the past, or prepare for the future, that we neglect the present!  Take that chance and annoy those around you by laughing more, smiling more, lighten up, have more fun!  Remember when you were a kid and you’d take off outdoors at full speed to a day of fun?  What happened? We quit living and “grew up” which to some people means you are no longer allowed to enjoy anything forevermore.

Have you seen those people who look like they’re angry ALL of the time?  Don’t they look old?  Create Some Chaos and BE WEIRD!!!

Categories: Perspectives | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Your Past

One of the biggest sources of our frustration is…our past!  For some reason we are so focused on the past that, instead of letting it shape our future, we let it dictate our future.  We let our past limit who we can become.

We worry about what others will think of us if they discover our past, how we can avoid revealing our past, and even how we can alter (or eliminate) our past.

Here are some facts to consider:

1. Your past is yours!  Whatever you did or didn’t do is part of who you are NOW.

2. Whatever you did or didn’t do cannot be done or undone NOW.

3. HOWEVER, simply because history is carved in stone does not mean it is so. What do I mean? Simple, I could have carved into a nice piece of marble or granite that I am the sexiest creation ever! That may (or may not) have once been true, but I seriously doubt that is still the case. Thus, just because it’s carved into historical stone does not mean I’m doomed to be the sexiest creation ever forever.  And just because there may be (or may not be) mistakes, errors, blunders or complete screw-ups in your past does not mean you are doomed for the rest of forever.

I remember learning about the Ancient Egyptians (NO, not first hand, thank you), they carved lots of tidbits of information into stone and *gasp* not all of it was, or is, true.  I know, shocking isn’t it? 

If you’ve got bits of your past that are giving you trouble, there’s really nothing you can do about changing them or making them go away, but you can decide whether they are going to shape who you are or enslave you.  Part of this decision might be to shed some things, habits, and/or people from your life.  But remember, it is YOUR life.

Categories: Wandering Mind | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Live Beyond Your Past

I remember, as a child, having a Backwards Day, where we tried to do everything backwards.  Even then, it was a lot harder than it sounds.  To be honest, walking forward is difficult enough for me.  I’m one of those who stumbles over air pockets, so trying to do things backwards was not a pretty sight or experience.  Ever tried to ride a bicycle backwards?  How about riding a bicycle backwards while wearing your clothes backwards?

Maya Angelou has a wonderful quote: “History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”  Every single one of us has a past.  Every single one of us have things we hope no one every finds out. 

Why do we fear the past? Because it cannot be changed!!  It can be forgiven, but not changed. 

Why do we worry about the past when it cannot be changed? Good question. Worrying won’t change it; Focusing on it can’t change it; Dwelling on it can’t change it; Hiding from it doesn’t make it any different and can’t make it go away. 

So what are we to do?  Quit worrying about the past.  History is painful! But we have the choice to either face it, own up to it, and heal; or we can keep focusing on it and let it eat us alive!  We can learn from it and change today to prepare for tomorrow, or we can try to go into walk through our lives backwards.

Today is yesterday’s tomorrow.  To change tomorrow, alter today!  Think about that.

I’m not lost, just weird.

Categories: Wanderer's Wonderings | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: