Hands Off The Nuts!

NO, you may NOT handle my nuts!  I put them out for the squirrels.

I like watching squirrels.  The are so much fun to see scampering about the trees, bouncing from limb to limb (missing only once in a great while), and running along powerlines without the least bit of effort. At least, not any effort that we can see. While they are fun to watch, they are thieving and destructive little critters.

You put out birdseed in the bird feeders and these furry bandits find all sorts of ways to empty them.  One thing you can figure out over time, there’s no such thing as a squirrel-proof bird feeder.  These squirrels are amazing acrobats that make me cringe by their contortions.

But, for the record, I say to the squirrels….Keep away from my nuts!

Surely You Jest!

Welcome to 2013 everyone.  Perhaps I am somewhat tardy in my felicitations, but I wanted to make absolutely certain that the Mayans had simply run out of room on their calendar before issuing that a greeting.  Among so many others, I have succumbed to the ill-conceived, and perhaps ill-fated, habit of making resolutions for this year.  Among them are to change my eating habits (somewhat), and actually exercise more than my channel surfing digits. 

Needless to say, in order to accomplish the second of these objectives, I ventured forth to an exercise facility (a.k.a.: torture center), and inquired about their programs.  I was greeted by a lively young spandexed vixen who was not only thin enough to disappear at times, and perky enough to make me want to smack her, she was quite knowledgeable regarding the various ways they could make one hurt, sweat, and regret their conception.  As this lithe creature droned on and on in her childlike whiny voice (with EXTENSIVE over use of “like”), I realized that proper grammar and pronunciation were tortured here as well.  According to her name tag, “Kandyce” is a registered fitness instructor.  I stated that I had a couple of concerns, being that I have had, one: very little exercise in several years, and two: quadruple bypass surgery, and would there be a program that would help me ease back into some sort of shape.  “Kandyce” informed me that she could recommend the “like absolute like PERFECT program that’s like so amazing that it’s like awesome!”  Imagine, if you will, my reaction to this tidbit of enthusiasm:

Yet “Kandyce” wasn’t phased in the least by my derisive snort or sarcastic look.  She blathered on and showed me the various devices which stretch, pull, pummel, rend, and inflict pain and torment upon one’s body.  Yes, I do realize that some enjoy this mode of life, but I do not happen to be among them.  Finally, towards the end of our tour, I was shown……THE ROOM!

Permit me to describe THE ROOM.  It was pleasant in its decor, very peaceful, with a fountain at one end and lots of padded mats lined up in several rows.  The air was cool and flowing freely, with the scent of the sea wafting about, and the sound of the gentle surf.  If I were to close my eyes, I would picture this:

And then I met the keeper of THE ROOM, known as “The Yoga Instructor” whose name badge stated boldly that her name was “Helga”.  Remember, my body has not been subjected to much strenuous activity for some time and would likely rebel against me, even threatening a violent overthrow of my ownership of said body, should this coexistence be disrupted.  Yet, here I found myself left in the hands of “Helga” for a flexibility evaluation.  Hmmmm…..oddly, not once did I notice a staff physician on hand, just as a sidenote observation. “Helga” hunkered down on one of the mats and immediately began a series of contortions that made me wonder if she, in fact, had bones at all, and asked me if I could do something like this:

“Surely you jest!” thought I. She didn’t seem to notice, by looking at me, that touching my toes would be more than a lost cause, and touching my toes to the back of my head would only happen if my legs were forcibly removed from my person.  Nevertheless, I gave it a go, and after much grunting, groaning, straining, sweating, and rolling from mat to mat as if I were a wrestler trying to pin myself, I surrendered to the idea that toe touching would not be happening this day.  “Helga” actually laughed and told me I needed to get in shape before coming back to that particular facility.  Always a good way to get members, methinks. So I toddled off to a different facility which offered much the same torture devices, but the staff seemed much more at ease.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw several people who were in the same shape, or out-of-shape, as I, yet they were working hard to change that aspect of themselves.  Intrigued, I was, and more than a bit surprised:

Thus, after the tour, I began a regimen, which I am daily wanting to continue.  So far, according to the scales, I am 13 pounds down, and feel a bit better.

 

Fearless

What frightens you?  What is it that paralyzes you into inaction?  Remember when you felt invincible?  I can.  I was young and thought nothing could do me harm.  Until that day…..

Pause here for a comment regarding fear: Like courage, there is a fine line between a healthy fear and complete stupidity.

Permit me offer examples:

• Healthy fear means you don’t walk into a pen full of alligators.  Why? Because you will become lunch or at least a snack.
• Stupidity means that you, not only walk into a pen full of alligators, but will also hanging chickens from you in hopes of getting their attention.
• Healthy courage is when you heart the warning of a rattlesnake, photograph said snake, and move on leaving it undisturbed.
• Stupidity is when you hear the warning of a rattlesnake, photograph said snake, grab it by the tail, poke at it with a stick (or fingers or any other parts you want to poke at it), and then gasp in amazement when you are bitten right in the backside when you weren’t looking.

What I’m saying is this, when did we become SO very cautious that we stop living?  I see people every day who are terrified to drive the speed limit or are scared to death take the slightest chance.  If we were put here on this rock to hide and hope to live longer because we never attempt anything then what boring creatures we are.  I contend that, for whatever reason, we all have a touch of stupidity in our blood stream and at some point in our lives we “wise up” and stop living.

Understand, I do not, in the least, support senseless acrobatic idiocy.  I do, however, support that adventurous part of us that we seem to have locked away (or shot or perhaps banished).  What’s the point of life without living?

 

 

Milestone or Millstone or Just A Stone or Papa Wuz A Rolling Stone

This is a milestone

We tend to gauge our lives, for the most part, according to milestones.  We mark some milestones with trophies, certificates, plaques, ribbons, medals, pens, pins, acrylic or glass paraphernalia, and various other plates, cups, mugs, saucers, and photographs.  Several of these are even presented with a dinner, drinks (lots and lots of drinks on someone else’s tab), dessert, formalwear, and lots of polite, yet insincere, banter.

 There are a few milestones that truly deserve to me noted.  One’s birth, for example, is quite the milestone event, as is one’s demise, which should also be noted with some sort of decorum.  Between those two events, most milestones become more like millstones and are just something to be endured. 

I can’t say that I remember being born, although the photos of me were rather adorable, and the fact that I am here is proof that the milestone did, in fact, take place.  Most birthdays that have come and gone, with all the cake and singing, and I can’t say that there’s any single one that stands out above the others; as a matter of fact, I can’t say that any other day (holiday-wise) stands out above the rest. 

 However, there have been events in my life that I shall always remember.  My graduations (high school, college, and graduate school), for example, are milestones I’ll remember.  Why? Certainly not for the slip of paper I got for the enormous funding invested therein; not for the pageantry either (I couldn’t even begin to tell you who the speakers were nor what they droned on about.  I actually think I napped during those parts.), rather it was the indelible imprint upon my life that I felt.  That stamp of accomplishment, if you will. 

Now what if we could stop looking at our lives as a series of milestones creeping ever closer (with our imminent demise at the end) and, instead, enjoyed our jaunt down the road of life.  Skip, run, jump, leapfrog, toddle, waddle, tiptoe, whatever you like down that road.  My point is simple, it’s YOUR life…make it worth remembering. 

I have no desire for my epitaph to be one so somber as, “Here lies some dorky goober who was born, existed, and now is fertilizing the grass you’re standing on.”  I want no weeping or sorrow.  I truly hope my epitaph is something along the lines of: “A life lived to the last drop.” And I want that to be my epitaph because the statement is true, not just because I asked for it. So THERE!

“Life is not a matter of milestones, but of moments between the milestones” – Robert Frost.  We are but a blip on the line of time.  Make your blip a light!

By the by, if you haven’t made it to Lauren Rains’ website, you really ought to prowl about there.  It’s VERY inspiring and she’s quite the contemplation enthusiast.  Don’t just sit there like a butt pimple,  CLICK HERE!!!

Garticulous Warble Bobbler

What is a Garticulous Warble Bobbler?  Good question, and one that warrants and answer, of sorts.  You see, in the Land of Piffle, there is a creature that is rather odd appearance that seems to be a mix of a lizard and a parakeet.  It is called the Garticulous Warble Bobbler (seen below).

 

The interesting thing about the Land of Piffle is if you can imagine it, it can become reality.  So, as you can guess, we tend to imagine quite a lot, and sometimes the imaginings are somewhat odd, while some are particularly silly, and still others are just down right practical.

 

For example:

 

 The Stunned Gurglebottom

The Running Shoe

 

 

The Mustache Comb

 

 

The Vacation Boat

 

 

And the I Can Handle It.

 

All wonderful ideas of imagination! While they may not have all been practical, we still dream and imagine.  Do you?

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to sit here and have a think.

Dun Dun DAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Dun Dun DAAAAAHHHHHH

I truly must thank my friend and fellow bloggophile Silentlyheardonce (stalk her…..stalk her blog now), for this illustrious award.

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HERE ARE THE RULES (always with the rules):
1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Share 7 things about yourself.

4. Nominate 5 other bloggers for this award and link to them.
5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

SEVEN THINGS ABOUT MYSELF:
1. Most of my ideas come from odd voices in my head.
2. I’m not wearing pants while I’m typing this.
3. I think squirrels are trying to read my mind and steal my words.
4. I keep several journals going at the same time (as well as this blog).  I have one journal specifically dedicated to things that tick me off.
5. As a child, I always wanted to be a superhero until the day I jumped off the roof because my brother told me that I could be a superhero if I could fly.
6. I’m a contemplative sort.  I can sit and think for hours.
7. My socks usually don’t match.

AND MY NOMINEES ARE……(INSERT DRUMROLL HERE):

Lill And Jill – They are amazing, funny, and weird.

t – simply because of the Bobby Darin fetish.

astimegoesbuy – for the infallible fashion sense.

Crazybunny66 – who doesn’t love bunnies and crazy?

adollyciousirony – talented, sassy, and always inspiring

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HERE ARE THE RULES (always with the rules):
1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Share 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.
5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

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Are You MAD, Sir?

When was the last time you did something that wasn’t part of your normal routine?  When was the last time you took a risk and tried something new, and I’m NOT talking about broccoli or asparagas? 

We are critters of habit and we can be BORING!  Look at your daily walk through and you’ll see what I mean.  Usually, and I realize there are alterations, exceptions, and this doesn’t apply to everyone, the routine is something like this:
     * Beat the alarm senseless with vile words, thoughts of violence against all things alarm clock related.
     * Perform the Herculean task of sitting up.
     * Engage in various stretching, yawning, and scratching as you stumble blindly toward the bathroom.
     * Spend a few moments wondering where you are and who is that horrific beast staring at you.
     * Realize that you’re staring into the mirror, wipe the mirror hoping the beast will change into something better.
     * Take care of the various evolutions and toddle off toward the coffee pot.
     * Perform the remaining 3 s-steps, while wondering what you’re going to wear.
     * More coffee.
     * Perform the sniff test on the shirt and smile you can get by with another wear.
     * Look into the mirror and make your final adjustments.
     * Realize your underwear are on backwards and flip a coin to decide whether to fix them or let it go.
     * More Coffee.
     * Grab the briefcase, top off the coffee, and head off to work.
     * Bored Meetings (yes, that was intentional), Memos, Reports, Clients, Return Telephone Calls
     * Lunch, More coffee
     * Finally get around to fixing the underwear issue.
     * More Coffee in preparation for the 3 pm energy slump.
     * Respond to e-mails, sign off on files and reports, put files and reports in “TO BE FILED” box.
     * Get in car for the drive home, and wait in traffic as some bonehead has decided that SLOWER traffic should NOT move to one lane, but should race to see how many others can get backed up behind them before the road rage begins.
     * Change clothes.  Think about the laundry that needs to be done.  Put it on list marked “Tomorrow”
     * Eat dinner.
     * Doze off with the television on “The Big Bang Theory.”

While there may be variations of this ritualistic peek at the daily routine, we are creatures of habit.  Most of us are anyway.  Here’s the good part, we don’t have to be.  Understand that I’m not suggesting, even remotely, that we should live our lives in total chaos.  But a little chaotic behavior is not a bad thing.

Life is, after all, an adventure….and you only get this one turn on the ride.  Take some chances!
Instead of simply following the road, make your own path.  A path only becomes a path by traffic. 

I have a Bucket List (see my page marked “Bucket List”) but I have several things I’d like to try:
     1. Spend a week with no plan, no schedule, no itinerary, in a place I’ve never been before (but want to visit).
     2. Collect a shot glass from every state and any countries I can manage.
     3. Learn how to take photographs that don’t include my fingers.
     4. Visit Licthtenstein.  I just like saying that name.
     5. Yell “MOVIE” in a crowded Firehouse.
     6. I would say, “learn to sing opera” but that’s pretty much not going to happen.  I don’t even sing well in the shower or the car, so opera is out of the question.
     7. Help someone discover that life is fun if you let it be.  Confucius said, “Life is simple, it is we who complicate it.”
     8. Try a beer from every microbrewery in the U.S. and Canada.
     9. Be able to spend a year writing a book that people would want to read.
     10. See a flashmob do the Time Warp in Grand Central Station. (Yeah, I’ve still got that song bouncing around my cranium).

Why do we make life so boring and routine?  Why must we get in a rut?  Is it for comfort or is it because we don’t know any better? 

LIFE IS SIMPLE!  LIFE should be an adventure.  When I come to the end of mine, I want it to be because I’ve truly lived all the life out of me; not because I gave up and quit living.
 

Lessons Learned From Time Warping

You know the song is in your head

I’ll admit it….I remember when the Rocky Horror Picture Show first was released.  I was one of those oddballs that would get up and dance the Time Warp in the aisles along with all of my classmates.  While we won’t discuss why, frankly because I have no earthly idea, I will tell you that, yes, I have been pondering the lessons learned by Time Warping.  It’s a catchy little ditty that you should really YouTube, or simply click HERE.  While you listen to the song, or let it play in your head, consider the following:

1. Given the chance of not being embarrassed, people in a group will do pretty much anything.
2. Music is a wonderful mood changer.  Try it.  Listen to something like a Gregorian Chant and see if it doesn’t cause your eyes to want to slam shut.
3. Many of my friends used to do stupid things.  Yes, it was my friends!  I took no part or pleasure in the antics, except as an observer, or perhaps to use the experience for extortionary purposes should they ever run for public office.
4. People, and I say this while gazing into a mirror, without a sense of rhythm should refrain from dancing, running, walking, or any other effort of graceful movement.
5. As I have gotten older, doing the Time Warp has become a LOT more difficult.  One of these days, I’ll probably break something or suffer severe injury (to my pride as well as my person).
6. Some songs will stick in your memory forever.  Usually pushing out other important things……such as your name.
   
7. It IS possible to do the Time Warp in a car traveling along the highway at 80 miles an hour.  No, I haven’t tried that recently and NO the driver did not take part except to control the volume.
8. One should never Time Warp with a soda in one’s hand.  Especially when one’s girlfriend is in front you one in line.  Spilling icy soda down her back onto the cashmere sweater she “borrowed” from her sister will NOT, and I cannot emphasize this enough, WILL NOT, win any positive points with said girlfriend, her sister, or her parents (who have to listen to those two bicker about the sweater).
9. When doing the Time Warp, one can make new friends.  CAUTION: The Time Warp will not make you new friends if you are the only one doing it.
10. There are bits of me that keep right on Time Warping well after the music has ended.  Hence the decision for some dietary and exercise changes being implemented.

The Time Warp is quite simple to learn, I mean, the instructions are right there in the lyrics, and it is fun when done in the proper environment.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to slather myself with Capsasin and try not to look in the mirror whilst the music plays.

Besides….It’s Just A Jump To The Left!

Mish Mash of Curiousity

Those who familiar with me are familiar with the fact that I am a curious type.  There are many things which pique my wondering and sometimes that curiosity seems to work overtime.

Ever notice that television “comedies” have a laugh track to let you know when to laugh, but other genres don’t seem to have tracks to let you know what to do?  When was the last time you watched a biography and heard the “hmmmmm” track.  Or a historical program that had a “fascinating” track.  So why do comedies seem that they need one?  Do we not know when something is funny?

I’ve also noticed that we, as people, enjoy complaining a LOT and like to be loud about it.  If we don’t get what we want from a shop, we are quite vocal about our dissatisfaction.  When was the last time you were vocal about good experiences?  I am one of those weird people who believes that good work deserves to be acknowledged and rewarded.  This seems to confuse some, but given our propensity to gripe openly, this is hardly surprising.  A word having been on both sides of the customer service issue…..if you want good customer service, BE a good customer!

Something else that struck me as odd, when it’s raining outside and you are going to the grocer.  How many times have you stood in the rain waiting for the opportunity to cross the parking lot while people who are warm and dry cruise by in their cars?  Hmmmm…..just thinking out loud.

Did you know that courtesy is contagious?  Try holding the door open for the person behind you, smile at someone, say “please” and “thank you”, pay a compliment to someone. Practice courtesy and see if take off.

Want to make someone’s day? Be nice.  Want to offend someone? Be nice, and watch them resent it.

Toothsome Story Game 3

…Beauty crawled into a cup

Toothsome started this and so I’m tagging……. Another Free Mind